Feeling apathetic.

This isn’t meant to be a moan, more like a little cry for help because i’ve been coming to the realisation that a) I’m an unhealthy mess and b) I have no motivation for anything 90% of the time, and for me that means, planning and setting up a new routine is easy, but the actual “carrying it out”……not so much.

I love this photo of a paddleboarder in the morning sunrise, I love the idea of paddleboarding and being out on the water, so that might need to be something I try next year.

I keep seeing people I know start and carry out plans with ease, and I’m not sure where my get up and go has gone….but gone it has and I don’t want that to continue to a point where I can’t turn it around.

I’ve read that having a plan written down can help but I’m having issues with that too, I have plenty of lists and to-dos but when I get time to myself, to do whatever I want, with no concerns for others, it seems like I have no motivation to do anything. I feel apathetic and not quite sure how to break out of that.

I’ve started trying to get myself more organised, and more motivated. I have started a herb garden on my work’s roof (hell, if i’m there for most of my time, I should enjoy it) and although it’s a tiny thing, it brings joy to the few people that venture up there (and I’ve finally got tomato plants that aren’t being eaten by snails!) and makes for a bit of a change from just staring at my phone on my lunch break.

I’m also hoping that I can expand that a bit more so that there are things that maybe, the kitchen or bar here can use but also, just to try and make it a nicer place to spend a lunchtime.

I’ve also started bringing my camera to work. I’m tempted to try and do a “photo-a-day” challenge from work…..here’s some that i’ve already taken.

So, yes, many plans and not a huge amount of ideas as to how best to actually put them to work. It’s been so long since I’ve tried to get a regular routine and I’m worried I’ve forgotten how.

I know that ideally, I should set myself challenges and be more accountable when they don’t come to pass, but I’m hoping that by doing the little things, and getting them into my daily routine, I can work up to the bigger things.

How do people just do it? I mean, I have 1 friend who started running a few years ago, and is now doing easily a few hundred miles a year….I try, get a couple of weeks into something and then have a couple of days off and never go back…..

I don’t think having depression helps, I know that there are times when I am just lethargic and need to just re-charge, but then I feel guilty about wasting time so don’t rest and try to be productive, which then makes me more tired and more in need of a break. It’s a fun little circle of hatred.

I think the only thing I can call a habit, despite it only being once a year, is my firewalking. I genuinely love it and it makes me feel amazing each time. Earlier this year I was really lucky to have a friend join me. Not sure she’ll do it again, but it was wonderful to share my love of this with someone. It was absolutely belting it down before we arrived so no good pics really – so here’s one from a drier event 🙂